Thursday, January 22, 2015

5 Seconds

There are some emotions that you can't allow to take over. Anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. Other emotions, happiness, joy, those ones can consume you, and theres nothing wrong with that. Its impossible not to experience emotions good or bad, and it isn't wrong to experience them, but you cannot let them run you or control you. When the negative emotions come in you can't let them control you. I do my best for that to not happen, sometimes its easier than difficult, sometimes you can't take a step back to re-evaluate and reset. Sometimes the negative emotions just stay and then you're lost, you don't know what you planned on doing, you can't determine the best decision, everything either slowly or quickly spirals downward and there is very little that you can do to stop or control once that happens. There is a reason for this paragraph, I promise.

This week I have been filling out fire department job applications, copying information and documents, and dropping them off. Well, attempting to drop them off. Yesterday I tried to drop off my first application at the first fire department. TRIED. I left determined, completely planning to drop off applications with confidence, and ready to get a job. Then it happened. I turned onto the street the fire department was on and I started to get scared. I don't know of what, anxious maybe is a better description, but fear was still there. I slowed down as I came up to the department, turned my indicator on, looked at the building, and drove past. Very, very slowly, but I did not turn in. I didn't go and drop my application off to that department. 5 seconds.

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5 seconds is usually how long I let those negative emotions in. It isn't a good feeling to have those negative emotions, like I said, they can spiral down, and that stinks. Who wants that? I certainly don't. Thats why I do my best to put a limit on how long I let those experiences go. I don't want those emotions to rule my actions, to control what I do or don't do. Yesterday in 5 seconds, my fear allowed me to drive past an opportunity, past something I have wanted to do for so long. Of course there is no guarantee that I would/will get a job on that department. But dropping off an application would be the first step in that direction. But because of what I felt when I turned onto that road I became incapable of stopping to complete that step.

As soon as I drove past I felt stupid, ridiculous even! What did I just do?! I don't let fear do that to me. Sure I feel fear, anticipation, anxiety, but I push through it. And yesterday I didn't. That's not me. So then I thought, "Oh man better turn around, Shayla you are doing this. You have to drop that application off." Because that's what I do, I follow things through. But I didn't, I kept driving. So then I turned up my music and sang. Rend Collective, a Christian group from Ireland, they are wonderful. They have great music, and quite easy for me to sing along to. I started talking to God as I drove. He listens. And I can say anything. He quickly calmed me down and I was on the route to the next fire department on my list. I turned onto this road determined now. I needed this to be a successful drive with successful stops. And after those moments of fear, anxiety, maybe some doubt thrown in there; I dropped off my first application to a Fire Department.

Now I'm over that hump, second application dropped off today. Negative emotions, not always the greatest, overcoming them, always best to turn to God. He has a plan for everything, He know everything I'm feeling.

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