Update 2: April 2nd, 2013

I can’t say that what you will read in this blog has a lot to do with my previous post and how I felt about Athletic Training. I began to feel like that prior to the events that I will share here. That being said the two are not mutually exclusive I’m sure.

I have a close family. I love my family with all my heart and would undoubtedly do anything for them.

Two months ago, I lost a man very dear to me, and although at the time I did not realize it, he had a big impact on my life.

My grandfather passed away in April after a long battle with lung issues. It was not unexpected as these problems had been long lasting, but losing someone you love is never easy. I had visited him a few times when I was able to over the weekends as he lived in Minnesota. The last time I visited before he started to quickly decline, he was able to walk to the kitchen and speak with us. The very last time I visited he was bed-ridden and could not carry a conversation.

He was a man I looked up to and respected. He was my grandpa. He was a big man with a loud laugh, lots of opinions, and stubbornness. But he was the best big, loud, opinionated, and stubborn man I know!

It’s nice to have someone who supports you, someone who follows your life and knows what is happening. Everyone wants someone who will ask you questions because they remembered your conversation the last time you saw them. That is the kind of grandpa I had, the one I knew that, if I called him, he would know what it was about, he would be able to encourage me without trying, because he just knew, and he believed in me.

When I told him what I was going to school for the first time he was nothing but supportive and even looked up what kind of career paths I could have. When I told him I had an internship with the USOC he looked up where it was and what kind of contacts he had, if any, and who was involved in the USOC. When I told him I was going BACK to school he was again extremely supportive, asked if I knew some of the people that he knew at UWM, and always talked about me getting in touch with his old professors. UWM was one school he went to and he said a few times to me how he would have liked to visit again. I can’t imagine how our conversations would have gone if I could have walked the UWM campus with him.

When I told him I was going to volunteer for the Summer Olympics he looked up what London was doing to provide security and safety, where the Olympic venues would be. He wanted to know where I was staying and how I would get to my volunteer venue. When he found out I would be working with wrestling, he looked up what wrestlers from the Midwest would be competing in the Olympics. He saved newspaper clippings for me to read about wrestling, he gave me names of wrestlers specifically from MN, just in case I ran into them. Despite his age, he was the only person I did not have to repeat myself to regarding my volunteer position and my anticipation as well as things that I was pursuing in my life. He always told me he was proud of me, he always told me I could make it, and he always always told me he loved me.

Now he’s gone. While I know he is praising his Lord in heaven, and I’m extremely happy and excited to see him there again, I miss him. Now when I talk about my life, even to family members, I have to repeat things frequently, and I have no one to talk about my plans with who understands. About this time I would be calling him to “check in” and let him know how classes ended up. No matter how my semester went he would say, “You can do it toots.” I had plans and goals that he was a part of helping me to create.

I love him with all my heart and will miss him with all my heart. Despite him being gone and not having his unfailing encouragement, there are things I need to achieve because they are plans that he and I made together. 

The Long Overdue Update: Part 1 (It's a long one)

The last time I wrote a post was during the fall semester in 2012. Now the spring semester of 2013 has finished and although I cannot say a lot has happened there is a lot to say.

I have always been someone who likes to push limits. Growing up, if my parents said no you can't I would test them just to see how much I COULD. I always did the opposite. My parents knew that if they wanted me to eat my broccoli all they had to say was "Shayla, don't you dare eat that broccoli." Being the child that I was I would "defiantly" stuff all the broccoli in my mouth while looking at my parents with a satisfied and, what I thought to be, rebellious face. 

This characteristic has stayed with me, although some days it is repressed and intentionally put away compared to other traits I have. However, this particular characteristic is what I contribute much of my experiences to in my pursuits in Athletic Training. If my professor had not told me originally that my internship had to be in state I would not have pursued the internship with the United States Olympic Committee. If I had not been told that I could not volunteer for the Summer Olympics of 2012 for the US, I would not have pursued other options to be involved in those Olympics.

So with all that pursuit in advancing my career and “pushing the limits” what happens when there are no longer any limits to push? Do you make new goals when all your efforts focused on one thing? Where do you put your energy?

From an academic perspective this semester was difficult. My motivation disappeared, and, although the semester is finished I do not think it has come back yet. I was not struggling early in the semester, but once spring break came and went so did my semester. I began to struggle with focusing, studying, and doing homework. I did not want to be working in the athletic training room, but enjoyed talking to the athletes. Despite enjoying talking with them I did not really want to be helping athletes and “putting in hours”.

Eventually I made an appointment with one of my professors and as I walked down the hall to meet him, I had every intention of dropping out of the program. I had my reasons and they made sense, ultimately I was burnt out and did not want to put the effort into my recovery. I have a degree in kinesiology and could get a job, anything would have been better than constantly being tired, unhappy, and having anxiety as soon as I pulled into the parking lot at UWM. When I reached the office of my professor all of these things had run through my head and I was determined. The conversation ended up going in a completely different direction of course. My professor and I spoke about the future, something I had not thought about and did not want to think about. My class schedule for next semester, my rotation assignment for the fall, and internship possibilities were all discussed during this meeting. Leaving the office I had said nothing of what I had planned, I was still in the UWM Athletic Training Education Program, and had minimally restored motivation.

I now had goals. When thinking about things that I had accomplished I realized that although I hate making goals, I work quite well when I have something to strive for. These goals are not pushing any limits, that I can see, but they are things that I will have to work very hard to accomplish. I still do not want to be in school, I still do not want to go to classes, so good thing its summer, but I do want to be in athletic training, despite my current unexplained apprehension towards it.

Sometimes we struggle, sometimes there are barriers, and sometimes we doubt everything we have ever done. There are no clear answers, no yellow brick roads to take us to where we want to be, and for some people; there will be every possible obstacle placed in front of them just to prove how strong they are, how much they want something, and where they place their faith. The result, goal, or final destination will not always be the thing to get to. How we react to these obstacles and situations will either benefit the end result or deter it.

I have been taught that in everything I am to lean on God. While I firmly believe that with all my heart, it is not something that comes easy for any person who believes in God. It’s a daily decision, a conscious effort, and a matter of the condition of the heart. So many times already this year I have failed, and have chosen to fail, in relying on God for all my needs. I see and feel the difference between when I trust God and when I do not. This is not something that suddenly I realized or something that hit me “like a bolt of lightening”, I have known to place my trust in God my whole life, and during this time of questioning and doubt I knew to do this, I also chose not to. I was tired of trying and tired of failing. I know and have experienced the difference between relying on God and dismissing Him and it is much better for me to rely on Him.

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. FOR WHILE WE WERE STILL WEAK, AT THE RIGHT TIME CHRIST DIED FOR THE UNGODLY.” Romans 5:1-6