Friday, May 24, 2013

The Long Overdue Update: Part 1 (It's a long one)


The last time I wrote a post was during the fall semester in 2012. Now the spring semester of 2013 has finished and although I cannot say a lot has happened there is a lot to say.

I have always been someone who likes to push limits. Growing up, if my parents said no you can't I would test them just to see how much I COULD. I always did the opposite. My parents knew that if they wanted me to eat my broccoli all they had to say was "Shayla, don't you dare eat that broccoli." Being the child that I was I would "defiantly" stuff all the broccoli in my mouth while looking at my parents with a satisfied and, what I thought to be, rebellious face. 
This characteristic has stayed with me, although some days it is repressed and intentionally put away compared to other traits I have. However, this particular characteristic is what I contribute much of my experiences to in my pursuits in Athletic Training. If my professor had not told me originally that my internship had to be in state I would not have pursued the internship with the United States Olympic Committee. If I had not been told that I could not volunteer for the Summer Olympics of 2012 for the US, I would not have pursued other options to be involved in those Olympics.

So with all that pursuit in advancing my career and “pushing the limits” what happens when there are no longer any limits to push? Do you make new goals when all your efforts focused on one thing? Where do you put your energy?

From an academic perspective this semester was difficult. My motivation disappeared, and, although the semester is finished I do not think it has come back yet. I was not struggling early in the semester, but once spring break came and went so did my semester. I began to struggle with focusing, studying, and doing homework. I did not want to be working in the athletic training room, but enjoyed talking to the athletes. Despite enjoying talking with them I did not really want to be helping athletes and “putting in hours”.

Eventually I made an appointment with one of my professors and as I walked down the hall to meet him, I had every intention of dropping out of the program. I had my reasons and they made sense, ultimately I was burnt out and did not want to put the effort into my recovery. I have a degree in kinesiology and could get a job, anything would have been better than constantly being tired, unhappy, and having anxiety as soon as I pulled into the parking lot at UWM. When I reached the office of my professor all of these things had run through my head and I was determined. The conversation ended up going in a completely different direction of course. My professor and I spoke about the future, something I had not thought about and did not want to think about. My class schedule for next semester, my rotation assignment for the fall, and internship possibilities were all discussed during this meeting. Leaving the office I had said nothing of what I had planned, I was still in the UWM Athletic Training Education Program, and had minimally restored motivation.

I now had goals. When thinking about things that I had accomplished I realized that although I hate making goals, I work quite well when I have something to strive for. These goals are not pushing any limits, that I can see, but they are things that I will have to work very hard to accomplish. I still do not want to be in school, I still do not want to go to classes, so good thing its summer, but I do want to be in athletic training, despite my current unexplained apprehension towards it.

Sometimes we struggle, sometimes there are barriers, and sometimes we doubt everything we have ever done. There are no clear answers, no yellow brick roads to take us to where we want to be, and for some people; there will be every possible obstacle placed in front of them just to prove how strong they are, how much they want something, and where they place their faith. The result, goal, or final destination will not always be the thing to get to. How we react to these obstacles and situations will either benefit the end result or deter it.

I have been taught that in everything I am to lean on God. While I firmly believe that with all my heart, it is not something that comes easy for any person who believes in God. It’s a daily decision, a conscious effort, and a matter of the condition of the heart. So many times already this year I have failed, and have chosen to fail, in relying on God for all my needs. I see and feel the difference between when I trust God and when I do not. This is not something that suddenly I realized or something that hit me “like a bolt of lightening”, I have known to place my trust in God my whole life, and during this time of questioning and doubt I knew to do this, I also chose not to. I was tired of trying and tired of failing. I know and have experienced the difference between relying on God and dismissing Him and it is much better for me to rely on Him.

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. FOR WHILE WE WERE STILL WEAK, AT THE RIGHT TIME CHRIST DIED FOR THE UNGODLY.” Romans 5:1-6